Bienvenidos!

Welcome to my blog about experiences that have challenged, encouraged, and confused me. These are mere words that don't even come close to capturing the joy, pain, and laughter I have shared with extremely beautiful people.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Hunger pains.

I keep thanking God that I did not acquire any illness during my time in Central America. However, my hunger pains are different since I've returned to the states. I don't know if my stomach shrank, or if it's just readjusting to food, but the first sign I know that I am hungry is not the normal grumble from within, or even lightheadedness, but a sick to my stomach I'm-going-to-vomit feeling. Luckily, I have not vomited, and the stomach pains are getting less intense.

Ironically, this painful hunger seems to align with some fears and desires I have now. While abroad, I felt myself change. I started thinking about things I had never thought about before. For the first time, I felt real anger at the systems that maintain oppression in the world. I saw true beauty in people and learned what it means to be selfless. I discovered the power of history in shaping the future. I felt passion in a new way.

People keep asking me how I'm "adjusting" since I've been back. Honestly, I don't want to adjust. I want to maintain this person who I became in Central America. I mean, I don't want to be miserable or distant because I'm no longer abroad, but I don't want to forget what I've experienced...or worse, not let it continue shaping me.

When you ask me this question about how I'm "adjusting," I will tell you, "Good! I really am feeling fine about being back." This is an honest answer--you'll see in my eyes and hear in my voice both excitement to begin another semester, get back to work, share stories from CA, etc.; and sadness of having to leave such a beautiful area of the world and the people I came to love.

But honestly, having this response is fulfilling my greatest fear. I don't want to be the same Hannah I was in August. I don't even want to be the same Hannah I was in May before I worked in a leadership role at camp and grew in so many unexpected ways.

I hunger to continue changing. I hunger to be passionate. I hunger for joy--true joy. And perhaps my stomach is serving as my reminder. But the pains are getting less intense...what happens when the hunger pains go away?

Someone once said that when the trip ends, the changes really begin. I hope and pray that's true. I don't want to return to ignorance and complacency. I cling to the memories of Guatemala, El Salvador, and Nicaragua with a firm grasp in a tight fist...trying to figure out just what I should do with them and how to "live out" what I've experienced. And I hope that I don't squeeze everything out of this rich fruit of memories without making some damn good juice.

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